Wendy's Page

It has been almost a month since I turned 30. I am feeling much better about it and God blessed me with some encouragement from friends and family during that time. I am just amazed at how God is changing my heart in a lot of ways the last few months. And a lot of that has to do with this community. For those reading this, you are very special to me. You ladies are so encouraging and faith filled. If I am feeling down or without hope, I know there is another lady here that I can be comforted by and spurred on to persevere. So thank you! You are all beautiful in the Lord!!

So for the last few weeks, in an attempt to not make marriage an idol and to be bold, I have started to fast one meal a week. I have been doing it on Wednesdays or Thursdays. I am awful at fasting, always have been. I have struggled with eating issues for about 19 years now, although I am getting better at it. So to give up a meal, has always been a challenge. I would love to be able to work up to a whole day, but I am taking small steps now. The Bible talks about fasting and doing it while the Bridegroom is away. So I am attempting to be bold and pray to my Bridegroom for an earthly groom. If that should never happen, I want to be so utterly in love with my Bridegroom that I don't mind. And even if I shall be given a groom, I still want to be so utterly in love with my Bridegroom that I do not look to my groom to make me happy. I want my relationship with Christ to be so real and alive. I want to find my joy in Him alone. So in an attempt to be bold and gain support, I am looking for anyone else out there who wants to join me in this small sacrifice. Let us be bold together!

My first blog post. Well, it is officially February. February has always been a bittersweet month for me, since as far back as I can remember. My first real memory of it was when I was in Kindergarten. Valentine's Day was such a big deal then. But I ended up getting sick and missing school for a few days, including Valentine's Day and the party. I did get to eventually read all the valentine's my classmates gave me, but it wasn't quite the same. And then a few days later was my birthday. Kindergarten was THE year to have a party with all your friends and classmates. Since I was sick, I missed that too. Fast forward to every year since. Groundhog Day and President's Day fall in there too, along with Valentine's Day and my birthday. I have never, yes I said NEVER had a boyfriend, so I have never had the privledge of celebrating Valentine's Day with a boy. I know Valentine's Day is somewhat over rated, meaning that love should not just be celebrated one day a year, but every day. Such a short month for all those things (except for leap years, what's up with that?!). Such a short month to be bittersweet. And this year is even more bittersweet than years past. I turn 30. Such a nice round number to cause such sadness and heaviness for me right now. I have always been one to hang on to things. My mom tells me that I reacted the same way when I was turning 20, not wanting to leave my teens behind. I am so glad that I am over that! But now 30. I guess it is so hard because I never thought I would be single at 30. Since I never had a boyfriend growing up, I just figured that God would bless me with one later in my 20's. It hurt growing up and in college seeing my friends have significant others, but I knew I was shy and most guys didn't go for that. Then after college, seeing one by one, my friends get married, it hurt a little more. But I remained hopeful that God would bring me someone. I was a late bloomer. I was late at learning to be a bit more outgoing and take risks. But as my 30th birthday looms ahead, I am less faith filled. I am less hope filled. I know God is bigger than I can hope or imagine. I know that He is sovereign and that His timing is perfect. But it is getting harder and harder to pray boldly for a husband. It is getting harder and harder to pray period. I know that I need to trust God more and cling to Him during this time, but I have to be honest that it is almost impossible some days. I know I have a lot going for me in my life and that God has already blessed me more than I deserve. And I know that my happiness is not based on whether or not there is a man beside me, and I definitely do not deserve to have a man beside me. But my heart longs for that. Some days I feel that I have done everything I possibly can by laying my desires for marriage at His feet. Yet my heart is not any different. I still have a hard time praying. So if anyone is out there reading this, do you have any hope for me to cling to while my faith is weak? I know turning 30 is not the end of the world and that "things come together" when you are in your thirties, but I am far off from that right now. Maybe one day February will become a month that is no longer bittersweet for me and will turn into joy. But that has not yet happened. So for now, February is the same as it has always been.