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Posted by Gina on May 15th, 2008 at 5:51am
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I read back through the blog posts that I'd written so far on this site. The theme I noticed was God teaching me to have faith and trust through everything; my single state in particular. Of course, I knew deep down that faith would be required of me in other seasons of life as well, but I think something within me thought it would be easier to trust after experiencing God fulfilling the desires he's given me.

Well, ladies, as shocking as this may seem - I'm finding life requires just as much faith and trust, if not more, than the faith and trust required of me during periods of lonliness.

Let me explain. About two months ago, God brought a previous relationship back to life. The issues in our previous relationship were being healed, God was and is truly working in his life and changing him for the better. Our relationship now is everything I wanted it to be before: grounded in God, drenched in prayer, and edifying to both us and those around us. He is a wonderful, Godly man...who also happens to be struggling to make ends meet. The economy in our state is such that he may remain this way for quite some time, and not for lack of effort on his part. We both agree that he needs to be steadily employed before we can think about moving forward with marriage. So my struggle with faith and trust begins again, only this time, I have to trust that God will work out the details of the relationship he's blessed me with.

I'm blessed today by the thought that during those dark months when trusting God was hard, God knew I would need that faith muscle to be exercised for this specific circumstance: trusting Him and encouraging my man to trust and have faith as well. We serve a good God!

Posted by Gina on March 10th, 2008 at 11:18am
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I was surrounded this weekend by friends and family with beautiful marriages; strong households involved in raising Godly children. And while I attempted, in my internal conversation with God, to give Him thanks for the bountiful examples of strong, healthy marriages in my life, it was just about all I could do not to spoil my amazing friend's birthday party by crying.

The next day, I crept tentatively to the couch, the place where I typically meet with God. I knew I needed to hear from Him, and thankfully, He met with me and brought comfort and insight when I needed it most. A portion of my journal that day follows:

It seems far easier to simply give in to despair - to believe that marriage will never happen for me and succumb to the lonliness, pain and blackness than to fight for believing marriage is what God has for me and that He'll provide.

Maybe it's easier to believe it won't happen because it puts me more in control? I can fulfill the belief that it will never happen; I can choose not to take a chance with a new guy, I can isolate myself from even meeting new people, I can nitpick and find petty faults in men I do meet. But if I believe that God does have the power to bring a man into my life, I'm almost completely powerless to make that happen. I have to trust Him for that relationship, trust him for the chemistry, trust Him for the drawing together of me and the man He has for me.

Faith is the harder thing to choose, the harder thing to do. Paul refers more than once to fighting for faith, and yet faith itself is God's gift to us (Eph. 2).

So, Father, today I ask simply for the faith to believe again. Help me to believe that you can and will provide a husband for me. God grant me the faith to wait for your timing for marriage, grant me the faith to continue to live with marriage in mind, and work towards marriage without demanding that it happen now.

Posted by Gina on February 28th, 2008 at 6:39am
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I think everyone has done it at some point or another. We've bumped into someone at church who's asked, "How are you?" And if you're like me, you tell them you're fine, ask how they're doing, and expect to hear the same thing back.

Only this week, I wasn't doing fine. This week has been rough all over. On Saturday, I spent some time with my best friend and her son. She asked me how I was doing and I responded, "Oh, OK," all the while thinking to myself, "She's my best friend! Can't she see that I'm not OK? Can't she hear in my voice that I'm about to lose it?"

This morning I read what Jaime wrote about having the humility to ask for help getting married, and it started me thinking. I thought about how I have to be really, seriously struggling spiritually before I'll ask friends to pray with me. I thought about how I am not often completely honest with my best friend when she asks how I'm doing. And I wondered about the implications of these habits for my future marriage. Will I expect my husband to read my mind when he asks how I'm doing, letting things bottle up until, not asking for help until I feel completely overwhelmed? Or will I have the humility to tell him at the beginning of a struggle? I want to practice humility now in this area, so when my husband gets here, I don't expect him to be a wonderful, Godly mind-reader.

Posted by Gina on February 25th, 2008 at 7:11am
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A line from one of my favorite songwriters haunted me this morning:

"Today I woke up early;

Today I woke up sad.

It's funny how it hurts me,

this love I've never had."

The alarm went off this morning, and as I slapped the snooze, the longing hit me square in the chest like it does most mornings. I wake up in my little twin bed, fiercly wanting to roll over and find my husband snoring next to me. So most mornings, my first prayer is asking my Father to fulfill that desire he's placed in me.

But then there are the other mornings. The last two mornings have been those mornings. Instead of asking, I demand; instead of trusting, I focus on my fears; instead of believing, I question His goodness. I find that this sets the tone for my entire day; I walked into the living room this morning to find the coffee table littered with empty pudding cups, popcorn bowls and dirty dishes. I overate instead of turning to God with my fears and sadness.

I'm thankful today that God is full of grace. Thankful that he forgives and helps my unbelief. And that song that haunted me this morning? I'm thankful that it ends like this:

"I can feel You

breakin' me through this mess.

I can feel You through this loneliness.

And you show me that

Life shines with You."

Posted by Gina on February 13th, 2008 at 12:50pm
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