Catherine's Page

Here is my action plan for deciding what to do with my current relationship.

1. prayer. i have been praying daily for guidance and really spending time with my Bible. i feel stronger now and ready to take on the challenges of sorting out this mess. praying for other women in this group has also reminded me that there are other women out there dedicated to the same goals. i am not alone.

2. i talked to my dad seriously about what he should say in his dinner with my boyfriend. i am interested to see how he goes about asking him where things are going. he seemed really taken aback when i said that if he did not approve of my bf i would seriously consider breaking up with him. he also seemed shocked that i would want him to "discern his intentions". my parents are not especially religious and were kind of amused that i would ever want them to take such a large role in my romantic life. i also think he was kind of flattered. i am praying that he will take on this role with wisdom and help guide me towards the right person. i have also noticed that it has really improved his attitude towards my dating life. i think now that he knows that he has a say he actually wants to be involved- instead of just being in denial about it like usual. it has also improved my relationship with the bf- now that he has to meet with my dad alone and he knows that i will really value his opinion-

3. i have made a commitment to talk to the bf about not staying at each other's places over the summer (we will finally be in the same city). this will give me the chance to talk about how i think some things are reserved for marriage and i don't want to blur the lines. i have no idea how he will take this. he is still reeling from the sex break talk.

4. i will tell him that we need to come to a decision point on where our relationship is going by august. this will be a year and i refuse to go long distance again without some clarity on his intentions and a time frame for their completion. preferably a short time frame.

5. i will be more honest with him about the central importance of faith in my life and mention again that if i don't think our values are in line we will need to break up. i haven't been clear about this because i have been trying to find out where he is with everything apart from my influence.

6. i will live out my faith more openly around him this summer. this includes always going to church and remaining active in a small group study. i will encourage discussions about faith and the future. i will encourage him to participate in a weekly service activity where we can explore our moral beliefs further.

After reading a few profiles, I realized that I am one of the few members on here that is in a relationship. I thought that I should share my current struggles so those that are single don't think that once a great guy comes along all of your problems magically disappear! The walk towards marriage is (for me anyway) even more difficult now that I am dating someone I could see myself marrying. My current boyfriend is sweet, loving, romantic, thoughtful, intelligent, devoted to others, deeply committed to his family, and a lot of other things I never thought I would find. I have never felt so instantly comfortable with someone. Suddenly finding a person that might be the right person actually brings up hundreds of questions that can go blissfully unanswered single when you are still dealing with an ideal man instead of a real, flawed one that will fall short of perfection in at least some areas.

First, of course, there is the issue of chastity. I am really lucky to have a boyfriend that genuinely realizes that sex is not that important to a good relationship. In fact, he was very supportive of my desire to wait until marriage and really helped in the first.. oh 6 months. I was the problem! I have slept with one boyfriend in the past (before I really started applying my Christian faith) and I really struggle with staying on the path of purity. We live 3 hours apart, we are both still in grad school, we have no money.. I guess I just wasn't confident enough that things were heading towards marriage anytime soon. plus, with the traveling back and forth and having to stay at each other's places- I did not create the right environment for chastity. So yes, we slept together and I do really regret not sticking to my own standards. I am now on the path with him to stop having sex again so we can get some clarity on where things are going. We have talked about it a little recently, but I do need everyone's prayers - it will be a very hard decision/conversation to follow through on and I am really scared of putting such a great relationship on the line. I do think he will be supportive- once about a month ago he felt like the relationship was not as healthy as it was before because we were getting too focused on being intimate just through sex-and he asked that we take a weekend or two off to see if we could rebuild things. which worked wonderfully! we are closer now than ever before. So hopefully he will understand.

Second, I am still trying to understand if we are really spiritually compatible. I prayed about this for many weeks after I realized that although he is a Presbyterian (and all of his friends are Christian), he has some serious doubts about his faith. I knew that he did not attend church often, but he is so active in local service groups and is so .. well, good- I guess I just made assumptions that I shouldn't have. I should have done what everyone says do at first- check and see if he is really a follower of Jesus. We had a few deep discussions about faith this weekend after he brought home Richard Dawkins' "The God Delusion"- which I really think were an answer to many of my prayers. Although maybe not the answer I wanted. I am glad that those discussions opened up the subject of spirituality in our relationship in a new way- but I am still asking a lot of questions to see where is he growing. He has sent some emails lately that make me think that God is really speaking to him and trying to help him through his doubts- but I am not sure where I fit into all of this. This really worries me and I need to stop sleeping with him mainly because I need to sort this out AND have some credibility when I am talking about faith.

Third, I am introducing him to my parents. They live many many states away- and he is in a different state from me- so this will be a first. I wish it could have happened earlier (I met his parents after a month or two and love them) but this will have to do. Hopefully with all three I can get some clarity on whether he is husband material or not!