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Posted by LadyElaine on May 6th, 2008 at 9:25am
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This is a response I wrote to a friend discussing an excerpt from A.J. Kiesling's book, "Where Have All the Men Gone?"

I think the problem is that we think that as a society "falling in love" has changed, but mankind still has yet to understand what love really is. We have allowed our lives to be molded and shaped by culture instead of being molded and shaped by God. The gap happens because we add on things to expectations about life. Because cultures change and societies shift, we have been inflexible on things that are not essential to growth and development and flexible are things that are important.

Adulthood, in my opinion is making independent choices, owning those choices, and accepting the full consequences of those choices. Adulthood means taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions. When it comes to love, I realize that while you may not be able to choose every person you interact with, you do decide the level of intimacy that you have with them, which ultimately does have an effect on who you choose to love. I always think that "falling in love" is really the hormonal, infatuation phase of a relationship. I think when someone "loves" another---it is very much a choice that they've committed to.

I did read the Lost Girls article, but I felt that it points to a lot of underlying frustration and confusion about why people are getting married longer(namely, women in church). While I understand Kiesling's commentary about the effects of post modern culture and feminism,I think it goes deeper than that. I think the truth is that there are a combination of factors that might explain why people marry longer, but the truth is that the two biggest reasons face us every day---ourselves and God.

I am not blaming God, but for those who are determined to walk with Him, sometimes that means trusting that the way He brings things to pass in our lives is going to be different than we planned or expected. We also have to be brutally honest with ourselves and understand that sometimes we're not as ready for marriage and family as we think we are. You wrote earlier that marriage and family were "a rite of passage" into adulthood. I think that's the big problem with the church's position and understanding of marriage and family as it relates to adulthood. Marriage and family reveal the maturity of a person, they don't define it or actually shape it, unless that person allows the relationships to become opportunities for his personal growth and shaping of character. You have a lot of immature people walking around and some of them are married and have children.

As for what we do in the "gap" as you called it, I think we do what is clearly outlined in His Word and in our current singleness---be obedient to God and walk out our trust in Him step by step---today, and the next day, and so on. We grow up. We grow in our faith, in our relationships with the body of Christ and our families/friends. We use our gifts, talents, and opportunities to build God's kingdom and share the gospel. And we avoid the pitfall of comparison and learn to judge the quality of our lives on God's standard of abundance and fulfillment, not man's.

This is not a speech that exempts us from not preparing for the responsibilities of marriage and family. Actually, in doing all the things that I explained above, you actually prepare yourself for marriage and family. In doing so, you actually pull yourself out of the pit of comparison and social approval.