Kiana Timmons's Page

Good afternoon all. Things are kinda steamy out here in the DC area so I am sitting in the house watching Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Its the version with Johnny Depp and its not my favorite but nothing else is on!!!!

Last night i had a peculiar dream. First I was on the Oprah show and there was a tv evangelist on the program. now for me that was a first since I was told that Oprah is not a big fan of the christian or she doesnt believe in God. And she doesnt usually have evangelist on her show. He was an older white guy with white hair and a clean suit!!!! Anyway, I was listening to him talk about the love of God. I dont remember everything that he was talking about but I do remember him talking about if a woman was single and she was praying for a husband that she needs to get up in this line and begin praying. Then the entire audience of single women got up,ran and stood in line.

Afterwards I was no longer in the dream and just viewing it like it was on tv.And then he looked at me,pointed to me and said something that at this time i cant remember!!!! Then my mom called and I woke up. Strange huh????

The other day as I was walking to work, I ran into an old friend. She is a wonderful woman who is on fire for God. Like me she is a single parent and as we we talking she asked me if I was still praying for my mate. Of course I told her but I didnt devulge that I was still slipping in sin with sleeping around. But as we were talking, I found myself thinking about how foolish I have been dealing with the men in my life. I have been stupid thinking that all my prayers have been heard even with me fooling around. I have been fooling myself and no one told me. I have been performing in a play in a part that is not suited for me. this is not the role I want to play. So for the past few days I have been praying for forgiveness and asking God for clarity. Even for these few days it has been a struggle not to call and make a date for sex.

So this is my story for now. Jus t wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.

I want to tell you all that I plan to use this forum to express myself so if I get too graphic, please excuse me. I usually put thoughts in my journal, but typing gives me the freedom to really get everything down with one sitting and I can let loose with my thoughts and words.

Well I almost slipped out of shear loneliness again. I wanted to call him (and I did) for what ever reason. I even asked if I could see him, but thankfully he was too tired and had other plans. I am going to be honest - he said that he had enough energy for "something" and that was it - there I said it. He and his cousin were hookin up and if he didnt get in contact with him that I could come over.

I was 2 seconds from going to his place, but then he called back and said that his cousin came over and he was leaving. Somehow I was relieved and a little upset b/c I wanted to see him, but I really didnt want to be intimate. So why did I put it out there that I wanted to??? Why do I put myself in foolish situations??

One minute I said that I am tired of the game and the next I am wrestling with the notion of getting some. I swear this is going to be a hard one. I have called off men more times than I can remember, and this one is no exception. Although we have been friends for quite some time, somehow I want it to be more. All he wants is friendship - that is what he told me. So why do I hold on the notion that he is going to change?? Why do I hold on to the thought that God is going to show him that I am good woman??? What if it doesnt happen and can I deal w/ friendship at family functions when he i with someone else???

Even if we dont end up in a commitment relationship, we said that we would always remain friends. Deep down I can deal with that but dont want to cross that bridge unless I have to. I pray and pray for just some clarity and understanding about my love life. I must admit that God did reach out to my in dreams about my last b/f and till this day we are still friends. But every now and then the feeling of loneliness creeps up inside and somehow takes hold. The more I pray about it, the more I think about him. The more I ask for strength the more he seeps into my mind.

It is totally not fair!! Why do I always at like this??? Why cant I find a man, for once, call and say I am thinking about you or call and say that heah maybe we can be more than friends??? Why does it seem that I am always the only one who is falls face first in love?? Just b/c we had sex does not mean we are in a relationship. When did I become this type of woman that pines over a man??? When and why have I let men and love take over??

All of the Christian self help books aint done a thing for me. I am tired of reading only to let myself down. I just want to leave and just smack myself. He must think that I am pathetic. Sometimes I think that I pathetic. I can start to feel anger and discouragement building up inside of me. I am still single, still longing for the love of my life, still sleeping around, still angry that I am "wifey material" and not a wife, still desiring for marriage even though my parents marriage is lousy, still desiring for a mate, still desiring for someone to share my life's goals with, still wanting someone to hold me tight, still wanting the love of my life, still fighting the boundaries of singleness, still holding on to past mistakes, still battling my loneliness, still thinking of lost loves, still wanting to want someone to want me, still wanting to be someone else but me sometimes. Part of me wonders if there can ever be anything more with us. Yes, he calls me at night and we email one another daily.

We are only friends.

Just to say it hurts. I feel that I have let myself and God down b/c we had sex. I havent been totally honest with him - I should tell him the truth. The more I think about it the more I get scarred that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am so pathatic. Why does God even bother??? I cant make heads or tails of my life right now - cant you tell??? LOL


I was totally ok until I called him. It is not his fault - he is only being him.
God will You ever tell me?? I am totally confused, angry, messed up, and tired of the run around. As always this battle is going to be a hard one. Please keep me in your prayers ladies. I still desire to marry, but to do it once and be happy with the one God will bless me with. Keep me near the cross Lord!!!!

Ok - I am fine now - talk lata

I love to blog!!

At first I thought that it was wrong for me to pray for my spouse even if I was still single. I began watching christian broadcasting about marriages and what to do and what not to do. It was strange but after a while it became second nature.

I wanted a change in my life b/c I have been seeking love from men in all the wrong ways. I have seening someone who has been a friend of mine for sometime and even wanted it to become more. But then he told me that all he wanted was friendship and I was a somewhat hurt. Although from the beginning we had agreed that it was friendship and nothing else, deep down I desired more from him b/c I know I desire more than just sex from a man.

So now I am back at square one. I am going to continue to pray for my spouse, alone in prayer. My desire for marriage has become one somewhat of a strong force in my life but I pray that it will not take over my life. I have much to offer and I am ready to give it to the right one.