Jaime's Page

Posted by Jaime on April 27th, 2008 at 10:03am
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Elisabeth Elliot called it a "holding pattern".

My mom calls it "embracing the process".

The Bible mentions "waiting on the Lord."

Whatever you call it, however you spin it, it's not very fun. It doesn't feel secure. It seems indefinite, never ending.

And I'm stuck right in the middle of it right now, and I know I'm not alone!

I was having one of my "shower talks" with God the other day (it's a great time to pray out loud, cause, even though I live alone, I can be REALLY sure no one can hear me in there except for Him!) And I was evaluating my life with Him and was thinking about all the things that have changed in the past month. I've registered for grad school, started going to a new church and have joined a new Bible study, and I see evidence that my heart is changing! I feel like I'm making strides, going places, being bolder . . . and I was perplexed . . I'm doing all the right things, but how come God hasn't allowed my relationship status to change? Why hasn't He come through and brought to me a godly man that I can befriend and hopefully date and marry? How long do I have to wait and why do I have to wait in the first place?

The Lord is kind and good. He is merciful and wise. I don't know as there is a pat answer for why He is asking us to wait right now. I don't think it's because we're not good enough to get married yet, or that we are lacking some essential Proverbs 31 skill. I don't think it's because He is a taskmaster and He's cracking a whip over our heads, demanding we give Him these years in order to work, work, work for His Kingdom. Maybe He uses the waiting times to protect us . . Maybe He uses the waiting times to prepare us for the times that lie ahead. . . Maybe He uses the waiting times to teach our hearts to be singly focused on Him. . . Maybe He uses the waiting times in order to bring glory to Himself so that others may see and give their lives to Him. I don't think there's just one answer, and I don't think it's the same for everybody. But I think there is one common denominator - that it comes from a loving Father.

I was thinking about Noah this weekend, and it hit me that there's some parallel circumstances in his story and ours. We all feel kind of stuck - he in a boat, us in our single lifestyles. We all are trying to obey God and follow Him where He leads.

There are times when the rain's pouring down that I feel very thankful for my "boat", because I know it is God's perfect will for my life right now. I can see the purpose, the function of the boat. But then the forty days of rain is over. The sun comes out again . . and the true test of waiting begins. It's when the rain stops that I begin to question the wisdom of being stuck in the boat. The boat doesn't seem as necessary anymore, and i get stir-crazy, anxious to get on with life. But I keep floating on...

So, I start to make a few changes. I open a window or 2 of my boat, and send out a few birds. Is it time yet, God? Will you provide dry land for me now? Is my time of waiting over, yet? So far, those birds have come right back, revealing that God is asking me to wait still longer. Just like Noah, i don't know exactly how long this waiting will last, but like Noah, I want to keep these windows open, keep throwing my birds out there, hoping that maybe, maybe, this time, one will come back with that olive branch I've been waiting to see.

Posted by Jaime on March 30th, 2008 at 9:57pm
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I was sharing with WPB member Alison earlier today about my experiences visiting a brand new church. I'll share it with you - maybe you can identify, or maybe you have some helpful advice to share with me as I stumble my way through this life of faith.

Visit 1: Hyper with excitement! I am also beside myself, because I LOVE trying new things. It's a little scary when I stop and think about it, but I decide today not to stop and think. I'm just going to go for it . . try a new church and hopefully get some encouragement and meet some new people! Maybe, just maybe, I can make some stronger Christian friends . . AND maybe this is where I'll meet "The One" (cue the dramatic music) The service is incredible. I learn a lot and am challenged to dedicate my life anew to Christ (see last blog post). Plus, I meet new people and I learn how to join a Bible study within the church! Super exciting!

Visit 2: Somewhat exciting. I kind of know what to expect, so the emotions aren't running quite so high. As the night continues however, I begin to get nervous. "Am I doing it right, God? I really want to meet friends and I really really want to meet "The One" (dramatic music reenters) Am I enough? Am I doing enough?" I all of a sudden get really afraid that I am going to miss a prime opportunity to make a friend or to make a connection, that I'm going to be doing something wrong and miss out.

Kind of ridiculous, huh? I mean, you would think, I'm here at church, of all places. And in church, I'm supposed to be thinking of GOD - not me!!! But those self-filled thoughts keep sneaking their way into my mind - throughout the worship, throughout the sermon, as i'm working my way through the lobby, as I'm driving home. I have such high hopes for joining a new community, especially one filled with people my age. And I don't want to blow it!!!

But God convicted me. It is His job to make me new! It is His job to supply all my needs, including those of friends and a husband. It is His job to make me into the kind of person that would attract friends and a husband. In and of myself, I am nothing, with no ability to become something. Sure, I have a responsibility to obey, but I must never think that my obedience is enough to qualify me to wear the label of "righteous."

So, this is where I'm at right now in my walk with Him. I'm trying to release to Him my fears and my desire to control things, and to trust in Him to supply all my needs, because only He can do that sufficiently.

I never made it to visit #3 of the church. I got stuck in really really bad traffic, which made me 40 minutes late, and when I got there, there wasn't any church meeting! (not sure about that one - it seemed a little "twilight zone"ish) So, after 2 hours of stress behind my wheel, I head to my favorite comfort spots - Borders and Panera. I found a new book, got myself soup and salad, and settled down by my favorite window seat. While partaking of good food for my body and soul, I came across this quote:

"Look away from yourself. Seek from God what He alone can do for you."

Though the author was talking about being born again, the words meant so much to me on so many levels. This whole time that I have been praying to God for a husband and family, I have been trying to fill my own needs.

Sometimes, when things get difficult, I think about how I want the end of the story to look. And what makes me the most happy when I think about meeting my husband and starting a new life together is the thought that my relationship is bringing glory to God - that it is obvious to everyone who knows me and knows my husband that only God could have brought the two of us together. And then I realize how the only way to make it obvious that the relationship is not my own doing is to stop doing and let God do His perfect work.

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." James 1:17

Title and quote taken from What Jesus Demands from the World by John Piper. pg. 39

Posted by Jaime on March 21st, 2008 at 8:05am
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I think I have a lot in common with Jesus' Palm Sunday followers.

My pastor last Sunday reminded us that the people surrounding Jesus as He entered Jerusalem were waving their political paraphernalia (the date palms apparently were a sign of Jewish nationalism) and shouting, "Save us now!" ("hosanna") It was as if they thought that Jesus was strictly on their side, that He would fit in with their agenda.

Yet Jesus came not to rise up as a political leader, but to be broken at the cross. Yes, He did come to save, just not in the way that the Jewish people of the day expected.

Like these misguided Jews of Jesus' day, I find myself with an agenda. I would like a husband, a family, a house of my own, a great job or ministry that has an impact for the Kingdom. I want security. I want happiness. I want abundance. I want perfection.

And Jesus can provide all those things.

I find myself, as of late, primarily coming to the foot of my Savior, not to surrender, but to persuade Him to get the ball rolling on my wish list for life.

And, oh, how misguided I am. I do not have some unspoken right to a husband or to the happiness and security that I think that will provide. My precious Savior should not and can not be simplified to a wish list, confined to my planner, or relegated to an employee position in my life.

It is He who is highly exalted, seated at the right hand of the Father. At His name, every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that He is Lord. He is far above all rule and authority and power and dominion and every name that is named. In Him is life. In Him is grace. In Him is truth. He is the radiance of the Father's glory and upholds all things by the word of His power. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. All things have been created through Him and for Him. He is Lord, my Savior, crucified, buried, and risen.

To Him, and not to myself, must I surrender and pledge allegiance.

I must follow in the path that He leads, even though following Him will lead to the cross.

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

I take my desires for a husband, for security, for companionship, and I lay them down at His feet. Those things may very well be in His plan for me, but that is up for Him to decide, not me. I surrender control, not because I think that surrender will get me what I want, but because when faced with His Lordship, there is nothing I would more rather do.

He, my Divine Lover, has me by the hand, blindfolded, anxious to show me what marvelous plans He has in store for me . . for us.

Instead of pulling away from Him, instead of tugging at the blindfold, I blissfully walk close to His side, excited about what may come. It doesn't matter how long we walk like that, because I get to be with Him every step of the way.

*Title by John Piper

Posted by Jaime on February 28th, 2008 at 7:24pm
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I'm just going to come right out and say it. . .believing sometimes is painful.

I remember as a little girl I would dream about "The Day". I drew volumes of pictures of what I envisioned my wedding dress would look like (they all, unfortunately, seemed to involve lots of ruffles and puffed sleeves, but I'm going to blame that on the 80's) I imagined how we would meet, how he would propose, the many adventures we'd have as we would grow old together.

And then somewhere along the way, I stopped dreaming. Maybe it was when I was graduating college and I saw many of my good friends tie the knot, while I felt "left behind". Maybe it was from the disappointment of ended relationships. Whatever the case, it just seemed safer to give myself to my family, my work, and my church, and pretend that the part of me that longs for marriage and a family just didn't exist.

I'm still scared of getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed again. I'm scared of waiting with no definite end in sight. I'm scared to go for something and then fail.

But I am sensing that believing that God has marriage for me is an important step my heart needs to take. Maybe I shouldn't plan things out for Him and announce to Him how it should be. ("God, He needs to be a Christ-like version of Jack from LOST who likes hiking, traveling, football, and me, and I would like to meet him at my church in approximately 2 weeks, please.") However, if I come to God, believing that He has a plan for me and that plan more than likely includes marriage, that will be bringing honor and glory to Him. And my relationship with Him can't help but grow because now, instead of holding my dreams captive somewhere deep inside of me, I'm sharing them with Him, letting Him nurture them and mold them until they look more like the dreams He has for me.

And one day, when my name is Mrs. Jack and I have 5 kids and the laundry to show for it, this whole part of my life will seem very precious and will all make a little more sense.

Post title from Prayer by Philip Yancey (p. 210)

Posted by Jaime on February 24th, 2008 at 11:11am
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Curiosity. I found the website through boundless.org, because i was intrigued by Candace's new book and wanted to know what it was all about.

Humility. It took me a few visits before I would actually join. Part of me didn't really want to admit that "yes, I'm single, and yes, I would like some help please. " In fact, i'm cringing writing that right now. I would really really like to hold down that backspace button for a few good seconds, but I think a little bit of humility for me would be good right now. Because if I take a honest look at myself I realize i don't have all the answers or all the knowledge about God's plan for marriage and about what He wants me to do to prepare for it. So, hopefully, by reading a bit about your journeys and the insights you've learned along the way, I will learn a lot!

Accountability. It happens all too often. I spend some time with God, digging into the Word, praying about my relationships and my future, journaling about what He's showing me, and I get super-energized, excited about what He's going to accomplish in my life. And then, a commercial on tv, a cover of a magazine, a comment from a friend, something gets me sidetracked and I defeatedly slink off again to my parasitical pool of self-pity. "It's not fair!" I cry. "If only You had given me the man of my dreams..." I pray. My hope is that belonging to a group like this will help me to more often turn from the lies that so often seek to steal my peace and my focus.

A few surprises. Who knows what else God has in store? Often He has all sorts of things in the works that I have no clue about! I'd love to make a few new friends, maybe encourage a few with the lessons I've learned the hard way, and be encouraged in the process. So, we'll see... I'm excited for what may come!