A Higher Standard

It's bad when guys spend time with you in a way that makes you think they're interested in more than a friendship. Bad because it misleads you and risks putting wear and tear on your heart. Bad because it's defrauding. But what about when the guy doing that is widely-known to be training to be a pastor? I think it's somehow worse. And that's the topic of this week's question and answer, "Curious Flirting," on Boundless.

Following on the heels of this Q&A, I received a letter from a man who wants to know if it's possible for women to defraud men. He wrote,

Is it possible for a woman to "defraud a man"? If not, why not, and if so, what does that look like?

Almost all the stories and warnings of "leading people on" (i.e. friendship without intentionality) seem to be geared towards men. Yet it seems to me that the same criteria can apply to women as well.

What do you think?

If you're wondering why things have been quieter than normal around here, it's because I'm pitching in to help with the coming-soon launch of the Marry Well matching and relationship coaching service at

Comments

[Marti]

We are so excited about MarryWell! Can you give us any hints? :)

[Heather Humphrey]

I received an email today about seeing the results of this survey buy it just took me to the Survey Monkey website with no results. Could the link be wrong? Thanks for doing this survey :)

[Andrea H.]

I think defrauding a man happens, whether intentionally or unintentionally, when we either...

~ flirt with him despite our stated boundaries of "just friends" (the flirting seems to promise more than our words have communicated, and a counselor once told me that covert communication is often more powerful than overt communication)

or

~ are not careful to restrain our friendliness and we end up seeming to be flirtatious with the man, though that's not what we thought we were doing

or

~ some of both of those.

Though a misunderstanding can still occur even if a woman is keeping up her guard and is wisely restraining her communication with a man, she still ought to do so. The possibility of his misunderstanding her shouldn't keep her from (1) being friendly at all and (2) maintaining proper boundaries and (3) keeping her talk and behavior proportional to the level of friendship that she and the man are at.

What is challenging is learning to be warm and friendly in appropriate, proportional ways while maintaining one's boundaries and not being cold and standoffish in order to keep the man at arm's length to protect both you and him. (Although, in extremities, sometimes pushing the envelope toward being cold to the man is a last-resort tactic one must employ.)

Also when our conversation and shared activities begin to take on a depth, quality, and frequency that becomes near to being akin to dating... yet we're supposedly only friends? I think that confuses a man. Especially if he has expressed romantic interest but says he will content himself with the woman's friendship -- so she knows he is susceptible to treasuring her pouring into his life far more than is warranted.

Just as she wishes men to take care for her heart, she ought to do the same for her brothers in Christ (and all men, really). Hmm... sounds like a Bible verse, doesn't it?

{By the way, I learned this stuff the hard way: by making the very mistakes I'm warning readers against.}

[LadyElaine]

Andrea, I very much agree with you. I would also add another factor: our own personal insecurities and issues in regards to understanding our identity in Christ. I realized that I was very much stifling the opportunity for healthy, brother-sister relationships to develop because I always viewed the Christian brothers in my life as a potential marriage prospect without even really knowing them as a person and discerning their character. I've seen this too many times---women who want to be married so badly that they place subconscious expectations(i.e. their hope for marriage) on every relationship they have with a single man.

Here's something that I think is vital: Addressing our desires and taking responsibility for our hearts and actions is key---and that sometimes means doing the hard thing and confronting issues(and people) in love.

[Alicia]

Just signed up to MarryWell and can't wait to see all that it offers come December! ; )