You Can Leave Him

The question in Monday's Boundless Answers was possibly the most heartbreaking to land in my inbox. I changed some of the details to protect the author's identity, but the gist of what she said was that the man she loves isn't interested in anything more than uncommitted friendship with her. Even though they're having sex. And even though she conceived a child with him and he asked her to have an abortion. She did. Still she can't seem to leave him.

Her situation sounds extreme, and it is. But how many of us have stayed in a relationship that's more harmful than good? What is it about our longing for love and marriage that often finds us putting up with things we never should, while going without what's most important?

In the talk I gave at a singles conference on Saturday, I emphasized how essential it is to have daily time for talking with God, praying, reading the Bible, and listening. It's in those intimate conversations that we grow in relationship with Him. And the stronger that relationship is, the more it will spill over into our relationships with other people. That's never more important than when you're considering a husband.

Growing closer to Jesus is the only thing that will help the woman who wrote me break off this most destructive of relationships—the bond sex creates really is that strong. Part of my response to her in "I Can't Leave Him" says,

I ache for you that you have accepted so many of these lies to your own hurt and the destruction of your child, and that you continue to long for a counterfeit. You are right that this guy will never commit. He hasn't, and without the transforming power of Christ, he won't. (Even an appearance of commitment, without a prior commitment to Christ, will be a cruel illusion.)

My advice to you is heartfelt and urgent: Find a godly church whose pastor preaches from the Bible and which offers a healthy community of believers to JOIN. Then do it—join the church. Get into fellowship with other believers. It's impossible to live the Christian life apart from the body of believers. Seek out wise and godly counsel from older women. Confess your sins, repent and turn away from them. Seek forgiveness, restoration and renewal.

The only hope you have for a healthy, godly, fruitful marriage is in relationship with a body of believers and, ultimately, in marriage to a Christ-following man.

An old friend of my read the Q&A and emailed to say,

I doubt that this girl will be able to break it off unless the guy dumps her, hurts her feelings terribly (one wonders, what more could he do?), or she falls in love with another man ... and yes, that man could be Jesus.

Amen. That is my prayer.

Comments

[Donna]

I was broken hearted reading this as well and thought wow if he could do all of that and she still loves him what would it take?

Yet God knows exactly what we need to break us and I pray that he does just that, utilize this guy to break her while drawning her to Himself. I've experienced a similar breaking early in my walk with my ex.

[Andrea]

Because she is having sex with him, she is bonded to him like she should be to her husband. One of the MANY reasons that God gave us the marriage act was to bond with our spouse. So, when you want to kill him (or leave him) for something small or large- you won't- you'll stay with him because you are bonded with him.

If she could cut down on the sex and get out with her girlfriends (besides prayer!) I think she will start to see the light.

[ayako]

I just had to close my eyes and silently pray as I read this question. One might wonder how she could tolerate this, how "stupid" she is - but that's how strong the bond could be with a man she 'thinks' she loves and is sexually intimate. I'm guessing she's stepping into her mid-to-late 20s by now, oh how I could shake her up right now and plead with her that she's wasting her time. Because I did - I spent more than 3 years with a guy who wouldn't marry me despite the sexual involvement. And like Candice's friend said - I couldn't dump him, he had to dump me - even though I knew I had to break it off for a while. In a retrospect, because I couldn't break it off, it "had to be" done.

My heart breaks for her - and I continue to pray for her and women alike.

[cathy]

wow. I am in a similar situation and I can't believe I still have tears left. But here's the thing: God is BIGGER than anything we can get ourselves into. I truly believe this. That when God chooses someone, He keeps them....for good. He is patient, but He is firm and He will move. The important thing is to realize who you are in Christ so we don't make the same wrong decisions again. I am praying for this sister.

[Andrea]

To the girl who can't leave him...I was that girl, only my guy was a Christian, or at least he said he was. You know you need absolve all ties with him, but chances are he gives you just enough signs to keep you in his life, hoping you can just love him enough. God is able to take care of this. Obey and trust him. It will hurt more than you can imagine, but the peace and courage God will give you is so much more powerful that the hurt and the fear. God is able to take care of this. He did for me. I dated my guy 9 years and he broke my heart every day, but God healed every hurt, restored my hope and the years that I lost. I know what it is to live the more than abundant life because I have seen him heal me of sin and hurt so great. You are so much more worthy than what you are accepting.